This week I was at a breakfast of local business leaders and owners. I am going to be vague as to the location and who the folks were as this was just my observation and not the people this happened to.
The head of the organization was eagerly welcoming new members into the fold when she put her arm around one man and straightened his tie, in an awkward move, along with the lingering hand slide down his arm. There were a couple of other moves on at least one other man in the room. I saw this and felt uncomfortable right away. I mentioned this to a fellow co-worker who was present with me. My words were “if this were a man doing the same thing to a woman we would have been all over it”, at first she protested, but then she observed it for herself. As women we hold men accountable but fail to observe and hold ourselves to the same standard.
With #metoo, anti bullying campaigns and other inappropriate behavior, why are we having physical contact at all right now, especially touching in a condescending manner (your tie is not straight enough and “your arm is so muscular”). As a long-time psychotherapist I have always had limited or no physical contact of any kind with my clients. I no longer work with children, but when I did, I used touching judiciously as this could be a therapeutic mind-field.
Currently in my clinical private practice I shake new clients’ hand upon meeting them and saying good-bye for the first session. After this point physical contact almost never happens again. I say that, though currently I have an elderly client is so delighted about our work together, she comes in for the hug at the end of each session as I walk her to the door (I almost always walk my clients to the door). I remember the first day it happened after our first session together. We connected right away and she felt comfortable and was pleased to be there. We were near the door, she looked at me and then asked is it okay and I think I nodded and we hugged. It had been years since I had touched a therapy client in this way. I know there were days when I was working in a cancer center as a social worker that I would get some unexpected hugs after sessions, or meetings with patients and families. They were so grateful it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
So when is physical contact not natural and when does that touching go beyond gratitude and connection? When does it get creepy? When does the contact feel bad? That is for each person to figure out, so maybe the men at the meeting did not feel awkward or uncomfortable all. Maybe it was just me.