This is a question I ask my clients on a pretty regular basis. I not only ask my new clients at their first few visits, but ongoing through our therapy together. In addition to clients, I ask myself this question on a regular basis.

The answer I usually get is “I don’t know, or no and that is why I am here.” Whether they are in an unfulfilling relationship, a career that does not make them a good employee or they feel depressed or anxious about living, the question allows them to take a critical look at their life.

I try to take a critical look at my own life periodically. Not the “am I happy?” question necessarily, but am I living the best way I can question. Am I doing things that move me closer to my values? Or instead of the word values, we can simply say, “What or who is really important to me”?

A values assessment begins the process of therapy. We live our life on a number of domains. Some of these domains are family, health and wellness, religion/spirituality, intimate relationships, community, parenting, employment/career, and more. I will often give my clients a worksheet with the values and a space to write in what the value would look like. Sticky notes on your living room wall work great too.

If I assess my highest value is family, I ask am I being the kind of family member I want to be? Am I carrying my fair share? Am I present and connected with my family? If health and wellness is at the top of my values list, am I active daily? Am I eating healthy much of the time? Am I out playing with the kids and spouse (a twofer here, with the value of family and the value of health and wellness.)

The important point is that values are not goals or tasks. This is an important distinction, as living a valued life does not mean checking off each item as you do it. It’s really about taking action and moving toward those listed values, assessing what your life looks and feels like. Of course this does include tasks or moves. For example, if you want to be a good family member we might want to carry our fair share. For some of us (uh, me) that might mean picking up your room and not leaving stuff all over the place.

Simply, we continue to make moves towards our values, though we always will make moves away from our values as we are flawed and imperfect human beings and that is the best part.